Love

I’m happily married. And my husband and I live in different houses. 

We live in different ZIP codes. 

We live in different states.

This is the life we’ve chosen. Together.

I know what you’re thinking. It’s the same thing everyone thinks when I tell them about my living arrangements. I can see it written across their faces the second I start to explain it. It’s not normal. Something must be terribly wrong with our relationship. We must be on the brink of divorce. A separation. Another failed marriage.

Nope.

In March of 2016 I married the man of my dreams. He’s amazing. He’s everything I’ve ever wanted and wished for. I feel like I custom-ordered him somehow, and the universe made sure we found each other at the right time. We met in 2008 and dated long-distance for that first year. And then we wanted to be together, so I applied for a different role within my company so that we could start our life. We lived with each other for more than 6 years. And while it was hard to blend our families at first, we made it work. We took two only children, and gave them an instant sibling. That wasn’t easy to adjust to, but they did it and became fast friends.

Our lives together were easy, but we had challenges too. No matter where we lived, our kids had to travel to visit their other parent. We were together, but someone always had to travel. That’s the curse of children of divorce. They rarely have parents who live in the same place. And, it’s really, really hard. 

So at our house, we’ve made new rules. And now the adults travel and the kids are closer to not just one, but both of their parents. You see, each and every one of us gets to decide how this life will be lived, and my husband and I redefined the rules.

It’s incredibly hard. We went from a very comfortable life to one where we work to make ends meet with double living expenses. We struggle with missing one another all the time. We get sad, and angry, and discouraged, but through it all we love. And we both get to be present in our children’s lives. Children will only be small for a short time. We have an entire lifetime to be together with no regrets about how we missed out on the important moments in the lives of our children.

Tonight instead of kissing him goodnight, I’ll text my husband before bed from my single-married-mom house to his single-married-dad apartment. I’ll wake up in the morning and text him to say good morning, and I love him, desperately wishing I could see him. And, I’ll count down the days until we’re together again. (It’s only 9.)

This is hard. But I can do hard. I’ve been through worse. My life has made me resilient. Life is hard - for everyone. It’s varying levels of hard all of the time. But life is also pretty amazing too. And worth it. 

I’m happier than I ever dreamed because the man I married is amazing. He’s a man who values this one shot we both have to be a parent. We talked this plan through, and we made the decision together. And his desire to be a part of his daughter’s life makes me love him even more.

What Will I Look Like?

In the days leading up to my mastectomy I was extremely curious about what my chest would look like after my surgeries, and I Googled it. A lot. What things will look like after a double mastectomy will vary from person to person. My best advice to you, is to trust your surgeon. He or she specializes in the right size/type of implant to use. I trusted my plastic surgeon, and I'm extremely happy with the choices we made. When you look at images online, you usually don't know all of the variables for the individual you are looking at, and just as each cancer diagnosis is individual with many different moving pieces, so too will be your surgery plan and outcome.

I am 5'6" and I wear a size 14/16 on average. I've been larger, and I've been smaller. I wore a size 38 C bra before my double mastectomy, and I have had one child. I breast-fed for about 6 months after he was born. My "before" breasts were saggy and droopy. My areolas were large. And while it was my normal, it's certainly different for each and every woman.

This is me with my expanders (top) with 900cc of saline in each side. Compared to my 640cc silicone implants (bottom) after my exchange surgery.

After my surgery, I tried on the same bras I used to wear, and they didn't fit me the same way. I have 640cc, Natrelle 410, Style MF, highly cohesive anatomically shaped, silicone implants placed, and I'm smaller than a C today. Even though for many women, that size implant would appear larger on their body type. When I tried on my old C cups, I couldn't fill the cups up completely. My breasts are shaped differently than before, but I'm OK with this. I did not "order" an implant size though. I told my surgeon to place the ones that he felt were the best for my body. He told me he recommended the shaped silicone implants because my tissue expanders were high on my chest, and were sitting higher than I wanted. I told him to go with the size that he thought was best - I didn't care if he needed to go up or down. And I'm very comfortable with the way things have turned out. (I can't say this enough - it's extremely important to have a medical team that you fully trust and believe in. If you don't trust your medical team, I think you should find doctors who you do trust.)

I like the way my chest looks today, especially in clothes. Things are higher, tighter and perkier. I still have a lot of weight to lose, and I'm working on that, but overall I am growing to like the way things look. I don't feel like wearing a bra is even necessary.

It's not the same as it was before, so it's not fair to try to compare before and afters and hope for a similar outcome. But, here is a before and after comparison - before my mastectomy and after my implants were placed. For once in my life it's good to have moles - I use them as landmarks. 

And here is one more - a side view after my implants were placed. I did not like them right away. It has taken me months to like how they feel and how they sit. Hang in there if you just got yours.