At the end of August, my baby sister will change her last name from Wolfe to Patten. She sent out the coolest RSVP that the world has ever seen asking those who can’t attend, to at least send in one piece of “marriage advice” for them as they start their life together.
How to stay married is a topic that I’ve thought a lot about over the last 12 years – mostly because I get a big “F” in that class. I wasn’t able to do it. I’m not an expert on the topic. In fact, I’m one of the ones she’s specifically asked NOT to reply to that question, because – of course – I’m attending, and I’m RSVPing in the “yes” category. I’ve thought about it long and hard. What would I write on that tiny little blank. What’s the ONE piece of advice to make a marriage thrive? I had decided that I couldn’t do it. There’s no way to sum it up in one line. So I launched a web campaign to solicit advice from my friends and acquaintances. And I got some pretty solid responses.
“Always kiss each other good night.”
Yep, that’s a good one.
“Friendship is a must! Don’t ever forget the laughter, the smiles and the joy of being with each other.”
That’s another winner too. I added it to my list.
“Every day you have a choice to make: either grow closer together or further apart. It’s the small day-by-actions that drive the relationship. Never take a single day or action (big or small) for granted.”
Wow. That’s a great one too.
I went through all of the kind thoughts that were sent in to me, and contemplated how to summarize it all. And then as I was typing it all up, it hit me. The words I needed to write were concise and simple and all inclusive. What’s my greatest advice for building a life together? Two words. Don’t stop.
There are hundreds of possible things to consider about a maintaining a thriving marriage. Some are quite personal based on experience. They’re mostly random thoughts I wrote down along with the submissions that I received from my friends that I asked online. I’ve included them, but they are nothing compared to these two words. Don’t stop. It sounds so simple, but it’s almost impossible to tell someone how to accomplish. It’s complex enough that people fail at it every single day.
I failed at it.
So here’s my best attempt to explain it to you now, baby sister. I hope you and Devin can take the concept, personalize it, and run with it. (Oh, and tell Devin to stop singing Journey in the background as you read. I know he is. This isn’t about their song this time.)
Don’t stop being boyfriend and girlfriend. Preserve today – right now – and the way you feel about each other. OK, maybe don’t preserve the way you feel about the crazy wedding planning stuff, but everything else about being boyfriend and girlfriend – and the way you support each other through the stress – bottle that stuff up. Save it. Use it every single day.
Many of these concepts will be unique to you as a couple, and I won’t be able to list them all out for you. But I can tell you what to look for and how to start to identify those things. It’s then up to you two to KEEP THOSE THINGS ALIVE.
Think of this as a fire with bright glowing embers. Today the fire is the brightest that it will ever be. Try, with all of your might. Try to keep the sparks – no, the FLAMES – alive. Both of you – EVERY SINGLE DAY. Don’t stop.
Don’t stop dating.
Don’t stop trying.
Don’t stop giving this relationship your absolute all.
Don’t stop trying to win him/her over.
Don’t stop being intimate.
Don’t stop discovering ways to keep things fresh and new.
Don’t stop being passionate.
Don’t stop being each other’s best friend.
Don’t stop recreating what “fun” is.
Don’t stop being adventurous.
Don’t stop putting on makeup, dressing cute and wearing deodorant.
Don’t stop surprising each other with little sentiments/actions of affection.
Don’t stop flirting with each other.
Don’t stop holding hands.
Don’t stop cuddling.
Don’t stop telling each other what you love about the other person.
Don’t stop appreciating each other.
Don’t stop sticking up for each other.
Don’t stop telling each other your secrets, your dreams, your goals, your successes, your failures.
Don’t stop closing the bathroom door when you need privacy.
Don’t stop being kind to each other.
Don’t stop smiling.
Don’t stop running errands together.
Don’t stop texting each other.
Don’t stop sharing inside jokes.
Don’t stop acting young and vibrant.
Don’t stop laughing.
Don’t stop being Alauna.
Don’t stop being Devin.
My advice – since indirectly you did ask me for it – is to spend some time talking together about this. Maybe make a list together, or separately write love letters to each other. Whatever you decide to do, fill it full of all the things you want to preserve when you make the transition from boyfriend and girlfriend, to husband and wife.
I once read about a couple who wrote secret letters to each other, and kept them locked in a pretty box on their mantle to open years later on a future wedding anniversary, or in the case that the marriage was threatened and divorce was pending. I believe there’s something to it. Figure out what works best for you.
Also worth noting – the me today, is a completely different person from the 20-year-old me. I’ve grown into the person I am today, and I am vastly different. Heck, I didn’t even like who I was 15 years ago. I believe that transformation happens to all of us. Look down the road 15 or 20 years from now. You’ll be different people too. You have to grow TOGETHER into who you will become as individuals, and as a couple. I want to see you with so much love, happiness and joy in your hearts that it radiates off of you. I want that love to overflow into your children’s lives and the lives of your furry/spiky kids (cats and hedgehog).
I wish for you all the happiness that your hearts can hold, and that each day will only get better and better.
I’ve included the other random thoughts here as well. I hope it will help guide you along with the other RSVPs you receive.
Love always from your big bossy oldest sister,
Amber
1. Checking accounts are super easy to obtain. At a minimum, your household should have THREE. Maintain a joint checking account if you must. It’s really dreamy to see your name right beside his on an official document like a check, BUT ALWAYS KEEP SEPARATE ACCOUNTS that you each manage. You should never question a gift the other person gives to you because you saw how much it cost. Separate accounts. Always.
2. Use separate toothpaste tubes, if it drives you batty that he squeezes the tube from a different spot than you do. Don’t drive yourself nuts over it. Just buy two dang tubes.
3. Never criticize anything about your partner in front of anyone. Ever. Even if you are “joking” – don’t do it. Don’t vent to a parent or best friend. Talk to each other. This is life. Don’t ever chip away at your foundation of trust, or it will eventually crumble.
4. Read Dan Pearce’s post on how he blew his marriage. Along with his follow up post. And his third installment as well. You can find it here.
5. It’s OK to have a bad day. It’s not OK to take it out on the person who loves you the most. Try not to be a grumpy cat who snaps when you’re stressed. This one will be hard, so focus hard on overcoming it.
6. Love is a triangle. Husband, wife and God at top. If you are both walking toward him, you will walk closer to each other automatically.
7. No matter how mad you are, always sleep in the same bed. You’ll sleep better and probably end up cuddling at some point in the night. Have fun together and try new things. Face your fears together.
8. Communication is key! Always tell each other what you’re thinking & feeling. It’s absolutely essential in a relationship/marriage.
9. Write down the reasons you are marrying each other and keep it. Refer back to it when you are struggling. It may not be for many years down the road, but it will serve as a reminder of why they chose to love each other.
10. Compromise is vital. It’s not just you and your opinions that matter any longer. You both have a point of view on things, and to be successful, you’ll have to talk it out and become pros at compromise.
11. Don’t just SAY I love you. PROVE the magnitude of your love with your actions and with your consideration. It’s awesome to say “I love you.” But it’s another thing altogether to say it and to live it. Make sure your actions match your words.
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