The Truth

So, the truth one week post-op is, I hate my boobs. I'm soooo trying to keep an open mind about this, but I'm bummed out. They aren't the shapes I had hoped for. They are smaller than I expected. And the right side - the side that did NOT have cancer - has a weird dent in it parallel to my incision. At my pre-op appointment the nurse warned me to remember that they are "sisters" not "twins," and I get that, I really do. But man, this sucks.  I know things have to settle and swelling has to subside (which will make things SMALLER?!) And I know my surgeon has told me I might want a revision to address symmetry down the road (yeah, ANOTHER surgery), but today I just want you to know how I'm feeling about it, in case you feel the same way too. This whole process sucks. There's no way around it. And I am sad.

I've been stressed out about weight loss too, with a new passion around that. I'm trying to find enough willpower to overcome my stress-eating ways. After being told that I can't for so long, I am truly ready to start moving and finding activity and exercise that I enjoy. Stuff that won't feel like punishment or work. I've got to refine my diet and improve my nutrition. 

I'm questioning what caused this in my body. What am I doing that made my body welcome these icky cells, and can I change it? Do I have the willpower to change it?

Ok. Rant over. Again, I count my lucky stars every single day because my worries are nothing compared with many who have fought and are fighting cancer. I'm lucky. These worries are nothing compared to some, and I'm truly blessed. But I just wanted you to know that it's OK to feel crummy about your outcome. Not everyone will look as perfect as some of the reconstructed breast images you'll see online. Only time will tell if I can get used to the new way that I look.

Bed time! Four days post op

It has been 4 days since my implant surgery, and I am finally feeling better. My weekend was rough. For most of it, I had a low-grade fever, a low appetite and low energy. I slept a lot. But my pain level has also been very low (yay!!!). That is both good and bad, to me. This pain is lower than my tissue expander discomfort, but it's partly because I am numb. I know I need to take it easy to heal, but because I am not feeling pain, I could over-do it without realizing it. I do have some minor muscle soreness. But it is nothing compared to everything else. I'm on my third day without my prescription pain meds. And all my systems seem to be back to normal post surgery (hallelujah!). I'm attempting to sleep in my bed tonight surrounded by pillows. Since my mastectomy on June 1, I think I have tried 3 full nights in the bed. I would wake up multiple times - every time - so, I would default back to the couch the next night. My only real fear is turning over in my sleep and hurting myself. I have to remember that I have stitches and healing incisions. So, that's why I have the pillows. In the couch recliner it is almost impossible for me to turn over. I'm giving the bed another try. My back feels sooo much better without the expanders. I don't miss those things at all. Wish me luck!