The Truth

So, the truth one week post-op is, I hate my boobs. I'm soooo trying to keep an open mind about this, but I'm bummed out. They aren't the shapes I had hoped for. They are smaller than I expected. And the right side - the side that did NOT have cancer - has a weird dent in it parallel to my incision. At my pre-op appointment the nurse warned me to remember that they are "sisters" not "twins," and I get that, I really do. But man, this sucks.  I know things have to settle and swelling has to subside (which will make things SMALLER?!) And I know my surgeon has told me I might want a revision to address symmetry down the road (yeah, ANOTHER surgery), but today I just want you to know how I'm feeling about it, in case you feel the same way too. This whole process sucks. There's no way around it. And I am sad.

I've been stressed out about weight loss too, with a new passion around that. I'm trying to find enough willpower to overcome my stress-eating ways. After being told that I can't for so long, I am truly ready to start moving and finding activity and exercise that I enjoy. Stuff that won't feel like punishment or work. I've got to refine my diet and improve my nutrition. 

I'm questioning what caused this in my body. What am I doing that made my body welcome these icky cells, and can I change it? Do I have the willpower to change it?

Ok. Rant over. Again, I count my lucky stars every single day because my worries are nothing compared with many who have fought and are fighting cancer. I'm lucky. These worries are nothing compared to some, and I'm truly blessed. But I just wanted you to know that it's OK to feel crummy about your outcome. Not everyone will look as perfect as some of the reconstructed breast images you'll see online. Only time will tell if I can get used to the new way that I look.

Bed time! Four days post op

It has been 4 days since my implant surgery, and I am finally feeling better. My weekend was rough. For most of it, I had a low-grade fever, a low appetite and low energy. I slept a lot. But my pain level has also been very low (yay!!!). That is both good and bad, to me. This pain is lower than my tissue expander discomfort, but it's partly because I am numb. I know I need to take it easy to heal, but because I am not feeling pain, I could over-do it without realizing it. I do have some minor muscle soreness. But it is nothing compared to everything else. I'm on my third day without my prescription pain meds. And all my systems seem to be back to normal post surgery (hallelujah!). I'm attempting to sleep in my bed tonight surrounded by pillows. Since my mastectomy on June 1, I think I have tried 3 full nights in the bed. I would wake up multiple times - every time - so, I would default back to the couch the next night. My only real fear is turning over in my sleep and hurting myself. I have to remember that I have stitches and healing incisions. So, that's why I have the pillows. In the couch recliner it is almost impossible for me to turn over. I'm giving the bed another try. My back feels sooo much better without the expanders. I don't miss those things at all. Wish me luck!

Expanders Out - Implants In!!!

Tonight I'm home in absolute awe over how EASY today's surgery was. I keep thinking I'll start to feel worse at any minute, because I don't feel that bad at all right now! (Thanks, pain meds!) The hardest part - legitimately - was all the WAITING I had to do before my procedure began. 

I had to make sure that I didn't eat or drink anything after midnight the night before, so I got a snack around 11 p.m. That was a smart move since things were slower than planned. This morning I showered with anti-bacterial soap, and shaved my legs in case I can't for several days. I got my driving pillow for the seatbelt, my pain medicine, changed into my glasses, and chose comfy, loose clothes (and a button-up shirt.) My procedure was scheduled for 1:15 p.m. We arrived at 11:30 and got checked in with the receptionist. In 15 minutes or so I was called back to get in my fancy gown and weird grippy socks to get prepped for surgery. That part was quick. And then I waited. And waited. And waited. 

I was so happy to see a nurse that has been in all THREE of my surgery pre-ops/recoveries. She even remembered me. It made me feel comfortable instantly. As she was reading my paperwork, she asked me if she was in my other surgery. And later she remembered that she was in both of my other surgeries. (I thought so too, but was afraid it was a delusional moment post surgery.) The nurses did all the standard questions and typing into the computer - when did you last eat, last take meds, did you leave the country, blah, blah, blah. And they took my temp and blood pressure. For some reason my temperature was 99.8 - I was really nervous that would be a deal breaker, and I had no clue why I had a low-grade fever. I wasn't feeling sick - just really nervous and anxious. There was no other mention of it, but I was really afraid they'd tell me I had to postpone.

At around 1:05 p.m. the nurse told me that the surgery before mine hadn't ended yet, and that it would be a few more minutes. 

Around 1:45 p.m. my surgeon came by to talk with me. He told me it would be a breeze, and that he'd place the implant size that looked the best. 

About 10 minutes later I met with the anesthesiologist. He put me at ease too. 

Usually after the doctors talked with me at my other surgeries, things started to progress quickly, and it wasn't long before the OR nurse arrived and introduced herself. Before she materialized, I went to the restroom really quickly, and then sometime after 2, it was time to go back. I handed over my glasses (which meant that I could only see blurs and outlines from that point on), and I said "see ya later" to my fiancé.

In the operating room they had pop music playing. I told myself I'd remember the song, but of course, I don't. The nurse leveled out my cot so that I could get up on the operating table. I did. I remember them untying the gown around the back of my neck as I positioned myself in the right spot on the table. They placed a few sticker sensor things on me, and then I got the mask for the deep breaths. I think I took 3, or maybe 4, breaths. I heard the anesthesiologist tell me to pick something good to dream about, and the next thing I knew I was waking up in recovery! It was a little over an hour later, in reality.

My eyes felt super heavy when I first woke up. I struggled to keep them open. I didn't feel any pain - or at least nothing compared to the pain waking up after my mastectomy - just some soreness. And my arms felt a bit sore too, for some reason. I had an oxygen mask on, and I hoped that breathing in deeply would help me feel normal faster. I hoped that I wouldn't say anything stupid and incoherent to the nurses while I was coming to. I reminded myself to keep my mouth shut. :) The nurses let me rest for several more minutes, and said they'd go get my fiancé to come back with me. They also let him pull the car around to patient pick up, so I knew I'd be moving out soon! When he arrived back there, my eyes were still feeling heavy, but it eventually got better. The nurses got me some ice water to sip on. And offered me some Sprite. I had a yucky taste in my mouth, and they said the Sprite would help. The biggest win of all - NO QUEASINESS this time! At 4 p.m. they gave me some crackers, and I took one of my pain pills. I went to the restroom again, got dressed, and it was time to go home!

When I got home I ate some crackers and chicken noodle soup since I wasn't able to eat beyond midnight the night before surgery. I started my antibiotics. I've felt great ever since! I can move my arms like normal! I didn't need help to get to the restroom. I could get in and out of the car on my own. It is AMAZING how awesome I feel! Now, I know that tomorrow I'll probably feel sore and achy, but I can totally handle this, so far. :) I'm on my recliner/couch with my pillows around me. I've got ice packs to use intermittently to help with pain and swelling reduction. And I feel great! I did have some bleeding on one side - I was told that would be normal, and to change the gauze as needed. We did that right before bed. It's a slow staining, but I'll keep an eye on it. I can see my incisions through the steri-strips. I'm wearing an elastic binder that closes with Velcro in the front. That is holding the gauze against my incisions. I can see that the same mastectomy scars were used, and that they are not cut the entire length. The ends in the middle of my chest aren't cut. I'll take some photos tomorrow. And the best part - THERE ARE NO SURGICAL DRAINS!!!!!!!! I really hate those darn things.

All in all, I am so pleased. The surgeon told my fiancé that everything went great. I have one side that expanded differently, and that might cause some symmetry problems, but we won't know for sure for a few months. I'm really pleased with the results. My skin feels way more normal when I press on it. When I put my hand over my heart I don't have to cup my hand around a bulky tissue expander. And, from what I can see so far, the placement is way closer to a natural breast placement. Thank. Goodness.

We'll see what tomorrow - and the weekend ahead - brings! Thank you so much for your well wishes and prayers. I was so nervous all day today, and I thank you for thinking of me.

Ugh, I hate IV's, but today's nurse told me to take a deep breath when she inserted it, and it hardly hurt at all! The stinging when one of my medicines started was way worse.

My oncology facility gave me this super cool reusable (it has a snap) lymphedema alert bracelet. The nurses thought it was awesome. Not sure they've seen it before. It's hot pink, and it's way cooler than the paper one that I usually get.

Surgery #3 is Tomorrow - Silicone Implant Day

Tomorrow - July 30, 2015 - is surgery #3. I'm going in to get my tissue expanders removed and replaced with silicone gel implants. I'm very excited, but I am also trying to keep my expectations at a realistic level. I know that I might not be 100% thrilled with the outcome. They won't be perfect. They definitely won't look like my original breasts. But they'll be breast-shaped. I'll feel more normal. And I'll be on my way to resuming my life. I never lose sight of the fact that I am lucky, and that there are no guarantees - ever. No guarantees with the outcomes of surgery, and no guarantees in life at all.

I'm excited and a bit nervous too. But I'm definitely ready for an improved side view.

At my pre-op appointment with my surgeon, we talked about the placement of the silicone gel implants. I'm going to get shaped implants that are flatter on the top, to help compensate for the way I've expanded. My surgeon told me he thinks I'll be pleased with them and with the final placement, compared to where the tissue expanders sit on my chest.

My last saline fill was July 13, 2015. After each fill, I'd have 3 really sore days, then 3 pain-free days, then I'd head back to the surgeon's office the next day for my next fill. Today is my 13th pain-free day. I'm lucky that I've felt like preparing things and getting things done around the house to prepare for my recovery from surgery. I've spent most of this week trying to do preparations around the house. I've pre-scheduled all of the August household bills to be paid at the appropriate times. I've done all of the laundry. The dishes are done too. I sorted through some of the boxes left over from the move and tossed out some stuff I don't need any longer. I've tried to eliminate some of the clutter that's started to collect around the house. I've done school supply shopping. I even got my hair trimmed and washed today. I've got my anti-bacterial soap to shower with tonight and again in the morning. I don't have any polish on my toes or fingers, as instructed. My pain medication prescription is filled. I think I'm physically ready.

I also took some photos of my tissue expanders so that I can compare them once my swelling is gone. My tissue expanders have ended up being really high on my chest - too high to be natural breasts. They start expanding about an inch below my collar bones. My surgeon has assured me that he's not concerned about correcting the placement in my surgery. I can't wait to see the outcome - with realistic expectations.

Please say a prayer for me, and for my family, as we gear up to go in. I'll keep you updated.

Tissue Expander Fill Time

So, yeah. Those needles look HUGE, but keep in mind two things. First, I'm mostly numb. And second, it has 50 cc's of saline in it, and that takes a large syringe. I'll be stuck with these things 5 times. My tissue expanders were placed with 400 cc's of saline at the time of my mastectomy. I'll get 100 cc's at each appointment - hopefully in 5 consecutive weeks - to get up to a total of 900 cc's in each side. At that point, I'll be overfilled, and ready for more comfortable silicone implants.