Dear Amber

I had a crazy weird idea that I've never tried before to write a note from my fat self to my skinny self. I don't want to simply choose not to remember how being overweight makes me FEEL. It's so easy to be on the "goal weight high" that you simply block those bad feelings out of your mind. I don't want that to happen again. So I wrote a letter to myself, to read (and re-read) once I reach my goal weight. Do you have any ideas that will keep you from repeating the same cycle?

January 24, 2014

If you're reading this letter, that means you've reached your ultimate dream goal weight! Congratulations! It takes a tremendous amount of dedication, will power and control to lose weight. Way to go!

Before you start celebrating too much, I want you to pause and remember a few things about yourself. Reaching your goal weight is NOT anywhere close to the same thing as reaching a finish line. If you're starting to think of it that way, STOP. You did it! You lost the weight! Congratulations! Huge accomplishment. But you are nowhere near "done" with healthy eating and nutrition. It's a lifestyle. It's a balance. It's not a race. 

We've done this many times before. But this time, as you sit there feeling all awesome in your favorite clothes, I want you to read this letter. Post it somewhere. Reflect on it often. Remember what you felt like as you started this journey. Defeated. Fat. Tired. Frumpy. Remember that? No? The high of the new numbers on the scales sort of dulls those feelings, huh. Or do you just choose NOT to remember how it was back then? That's what I thought. See, I know exactly what you're feeling. And I know how remarkably easy it is to switch that "healthy eating" button OFF and then start to fall back into old habits. So READ THIS. Read it often. Etch it into your mind. And if you start to forget, come back and read this again.

You will not stay at your goal weight if you start eating anything and everything you want to eat. Now I know what you're thinking. You want to reward yourself. You want to taste everything you've restricted from your eating plan for the last 8 months. I get it. I do. But you CANNOT stay at your goal weight, if you eat peanut butter, bread and spaghetti every day. You just can't! 

Let's talk a little more about what it's like to be FAT. Yes, when you wrote this letter, you were FAT. You weighed in at 212 pounds at your heaviest. And back then you preferred to wear elastic pants. You called them yoga pants, to try to make yourself accept the situation you were in, but still the fact remains that you couldn't even fit into most of your clothes. And when you did try on your jeans, you realized they were ginormous mom jeans, and you hated the way you looked. The back pockets stretched across your rear end in the most unflattering way imaginable.

You wore a lot of black.

Many of your coats and jackets became too small. Remember the men's yellow one you always wore? Remember why? Most of your own jackets were too small. You put on your red one and it would barely reach around you!

Remember sitting in the car, or in the truck? You noticed at the very beginning of your journey to lose weight that you had to move a little sideways to get to the seatbelt buckle and snap it together. When you sat down in the bathtub your hips and thighs came right to the sides of the tub. When you looked down at your lap, all you could see was your huge gut. There's no chance it would be flat. Ever. No matter how much sucking in you did.

Do you remember that when you bent down to pick something up or to put on your socks and shoes, that your knees actually widened so that you could bend down easier?

When you looked in the mirror at the beauty shop, you hardly recognized your own fat face. Your chin was rounded. Your neck was flabby. Your shoulders were way broader than they should have been.

Remember avoiding all those holiday pictures last year? Your family didn't take any group holiday pictures in 2013, and you made sure that you didn't try to change that - you didn't want to be in any pictures. But, remember those shots that your sister took of you testing out the drums? FAT. HUGE. DISGUSTING. You kept those pictures. Go look at them now. Remember.

You preached a lot about loving yourself and how people are beautiful at every size, but you haven't felt beautiful in a long time. Back then, you usually didn't wear any makeup. Your hair would often be pulled back in a ponytail. And there were many days that you'd dread putting on your undergarments - they were tight. They didn't fit right. And you were miserable. You didn't feel pretty. You didn't feel confident. You didn't feel sexy. Not even close.

Last night your son left half of a chocolate cupcake on his plate - you bought two giant, beautiful cupcakes - for the 3 people at your house. You did NOT buy one for yourself, because your willpower was strong back then. You had just found your focus AGAIN and changed your mindset over from "eat whatever you want" to "this has to stop." As you were cleaning up in the kitchen, you paused for a minute and looked at the chocolate cupcake on the plate. It was just a brief moment, but you had a very clear realization. It reminded you that you had to write all of this down. You had to warn your "goal weight" self. You were afraid you'd fail again this time around. And you knew that you'd forget what it felt like to be fat and miserable. And then you tossed it right in the trashcan. I bet if that happens again you won't instantly remember what it was like to have that kind of willpower. But please, try. Please read this letter and remember your former fat self. Don't come back here. Evolve to fit. Practice healthy eating habits and moderation. Don't repeat this cycle again. Take care of this one body that you have. Live a healthy, active, fun life! It's not a finish line. It's your life. Live it to the fullest.

I love you.

Amber